Funny Jokes

Teacher: If you had 13 apples, 12 grapes, 3 pineapples and 3 strawberries, what would you have? Billy: A delicious fruit salad.

Mom: What did you do at school today? Mark: We did a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam. Mark: That’s right!

Teacher : Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

Jacob: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school? Leonard: Why? Jacob: She had bright students!

Mother: I think our son is going to be an astronaut.  Father: What makes you think that? Mother: I spoke to his teacher today. She said he is taking up space.

Student: "Professor, I can't go to class today."  Professor: "Why?" Student: "I don't feel well." Professor: "Where don't you feel well?" Student: "In class."

"What do you get if you cross a fridge and a stereo?"  "I don't know, what?" "Cool music!"

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, "Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..."  Mom: "And one will put you to sleep!" Son: "No mom, I will still sleep with you." Mom's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son." Mom continues: "But who will sleep with your 5 wives?" Son: "Let them sleep with daddy." D addy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

Doctor: Your case is quite complicated.  Patient: Why doctor? What happened? Doctor: You got a disease from the chapter which I left as optional during my studies.

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them...  1.Bride relatives 2.groom relatives He entered the groom door and found two doors again. 1. Ladies 2. Men He entered men door and found two doors again. 1.People with gifts 2.People without gifts He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel.

 A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"  He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"  Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them." 

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."  Doctor: "How come?" Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

Customer: "Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."  Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Customer: "How much is the hamburger steak?"  Butcher: "$1.98 cents a pound." Customer: "But at the corner market is is only $0.98 cents a pound." Butcher: "Then you should go there to buy it." Customer: "But they are all out of it." Butcher: " Oh, I see. When we don't have any we sell it for $0.50 cents a pound."

One day, the chemistry teacher asked his students,  "What is the chemical formula for water?"  Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand.  "Yes, Suzie, what's the answer?", the teacher asked.  Suzie answered proudly, "The chemical formula for water is 'HIJKLMNO'!" Her teacher looked perplexed.  He asked, "What are you talking about?"  Suzie replied, "Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O!"  

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.  Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.  "Pardon me," she said,  "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."  "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"  "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."  "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"  As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"  "Your mother said that you would pay for her,"...

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.' His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?' 'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.' 'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?' 'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'

 A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog." 

Welcome to CCTV news! Today i will tell you an interesting story: An armed criminal robbed the Iron  Lifts Gym earlier today and then fled on foot. Police have been in pursuit for hours, but the culprit has yet  to be apprehended.