Funny Jokes

Teacher: If you had 13 apples, 12 grapes, 3 pineapples and 3 strawberries, what would you have? Billy: A delicious fruit salad.

Mom: What did you do at school today? Mark: We did a guessing game. Mom: But I thought you were having a math exam. Mark: That’s right!

Teacher : Class, we will have only half a day of school this morning. Class: Hooray! Teacher: We will have the other half this afternoon.

Jacob: Why was the teacher wearing sunglasses to school? Leonard: Why? Jacob: She had bright students!

Mother: I think our son is going to be an astronaut.  Father: What makes you think that? Mother: I spoke to his teacher today. She said he is taking up space.

Student: "Professor, I can't go to class today."  Professor: "Why?" Student: "I don't feel well." Professor: "Where don't you feel well?" Student: "In class."

"What do you get if you cross a fridge and a stereo?"  "I don't know, what?" "Cool music!"

A mother and father read a bedtime story of a king to their five year old son. As the story concludes, the son says, "Mom, I also want five wives. One will cook, one will sing, one will bathe me..."  Mom: "And one will put you to sleep!" Son: "No mom, I will still sleep with you." Mom's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son." Mom continues: "But who will sleep with your 5 wives?" Son: "Let them sleep with daddy." D addy's eyes fill up with tears: "God bless you son."

Doctor: Your case is quite complicated.  Patient: Why doctor? What happened? Doctor: You got a disease from the chapter which I left as optional during my studies.

A man was invited to a wedding. When he reached the hotel, he found two doors written on them...  1.Bride relatives 2.groom relatives He entered the groom door and found two doors again. 1. Ladies 2. Men He entered men door and found two doors again. 1.People with gifts 2.People without gifts He entered the second door (people without gifts )... He found himself outside the hotel.

 A company owner was asked a question, "How do you motivate your employees to be so punctual?"  He smiled & replied, "It's simple. I have 30 employees and 29 free parking spaces. One is paid parking."

Wife: "Whenever I keep money in my purse, our son steals it! I don’t know what to do?"  Husband: "Hide it in his books. I know he will never touch them." 

Lady (to her doctor): "What l am worried about is my height and not my weight."  Doctor: "How come?" Lady: "According to my weight, my height should be 7 feet, 8 inches."

Customer: "Excuse me waiter, this coffee tastes like mud."  Waiter: "Yes sir, it's fresh ground."

Customer: "How much is the hamburger steak?"  Butcher: "$1.98 cents a pound." Customer: "But at the corner market is is only $0.98 cents a pound." Butcher: "Then you should go there to buy it." Customer: "But they are all out of it." Butcher: " Oh, I see. When we don't have any we sell it for $0.50 cents a pound."

One day, the chemistry teacher asked his students,  "What is the chemical formula for water?"  Silly Suzie immediately raised her hand.  "Yes, Suzie, what's the answer?", the teacher asked.  Suzie answered proudly, "The chemical formula for water is 'HIJKLMNO'!" Her teacher looked perplexed.  He asked, "What are you talking about?"  Suzie replied, "Yesterday you said the formula for water is H to O!"  

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick up a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around.  Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.  "Pardon me," she said,  "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."  "I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"  "Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."  "Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"  As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was $127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"  "Your mother said that you would pay for her,"

A six-year-old boy walked up to his father one day and announced, 'Daddy, I'd like to get married.' His father replied hesitantly, 'Sure, son, do you have anyone special in mind?' 'Yes,' answered the boy. 'I want to marry Grandma.' 'Now, wait a minute,' said his father. 'You don't think I'd let you get married with my mother, do you?' 'Why not?' the boy asked. 'You married mine.'

 A man walks into a shop and sees a cute little dog. He asks the shopkeeper, "Does your dog bite?" The shopkeeper says, "No, my dog does not bite." The man tries to pet the dog and the dog bites him. "Ouch," he says, "I thought you said your dog does not bite!" The shopkeeper replies, "That is not my dog." 

Welcome to CCTV news! Today i will tell you an interesting story: An armed criminal robbed the Iron  Lifts Gym earlier today and then fled on foot. Police have been in pursuit for hours, but the culprit has yet  to be apprehended.

??Doctor Lee was going out for the day. She ??locked the house and tacked a note for the milkman ??on  the door: "NOBODY HOME. DON'T LEAVE ANYTHING." ??When she got back that night, she found  her door broken open and her house ransacked. On the note she had left, she found the following message  added: ??"THANKS! WE HAVEN'T LEFT ANYTHING!"

The bus was crowded waiting in the road side, and as one more man tried to get on, the passengers wouldn't let him aboard. ?? ?? "It is too crowded, "they shouted." who do you think you are?" "I am the driver."he said. leave me alone  

one day , maths teacher asked Johny, "If you have 12 chocolates and you give 5 to Dona, 3 to  Alice and 4 to Roma, then what will you get? " Johny replied, "Sir! three new girlfriends."

Boss: Nancy, why are you late for company every morning? tell me the reason, or you will fire. Nancy :Every time I drive to the school,hospital, the road sign show: 'hospital,Go Slow'. 

Tom asked his father buy a video.his father said :"I'm afraid we can't afford one," But next day Tom came to home, staggering beneath the weight of a brand-new video. "How on earth did you pay for that?" gasped his father. "Easy, Dad."Tom said, "I sold the television!" 

Fiona asks her daddy,  “Dad, can you write with your eyes closed?”   “I believe I could, child, if I tried.”  “Excellent, do you think you would like to try it on my school report?” Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/kids-jokes-6.php

What weighs more, a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?   A: Neither of them, they both weigh a ton!  Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/kids-jokes.php

The teacher is asking the children what is their favorite instrument.  Little Johnny replies: The school bell. Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/kids-jokes.php

The man: "God, how long is a million years?" God: "To me, it's about a minute." The man: "God, how much is a million dollars?" God: "To me it's a penny." The man: "God, may I have a penny?" God: "Wait a minute." 

A: Did you hear that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week. B: That's impossible. Whose baby? A: An elephant's. 

 A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger? B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

 Once a blonde went to the library to get a book. A few days later, she returns and says to librarian at the counter,  „This book was very boring. It had too many characters and too many numbers, so i would like to return it.“ The librarian says to the other librarian,  „So here is the person who took our phone book!“ 

 A child asked to his mother: -mom! Can you give me some money? His mom : why?  -I will give to a old man His mom : well done! Okay, where is the old man ? -Momm.. He is at the end of the street...He is selling ice-cream

 Son: "Dad, when will I be old enough so I don't have to ask mom for her permission to go out?"  Dad: "Son, even I haven't grown old enough to go out without her permission!"                    

 Boy: The principal is so dumb! Girl: Do you know who I am? Boy: No... Girl: I am the principal's daughter! Boy: Do you know who I am? Girl: No... Boy: Good! *Walks away*                    

In a supermarket Ivan lost sight of his wife.  He comes up to a nice young lady and asks,  "Will you talk with me for a couple of minutes, please?"  "Why should I?" " It's always the same -- as soon as I get into talking with a pretty woman my wife abruptly pops up from out of nowhere."

I was playing chess with my friend and he said,  “Let’s make this interesting!”  . . . . So we stopped playing chess.

A : Hey, man! Please call me a taxi. B : Yes, sir. You are a taxi. 

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with an "I".  Student: I is the.... Teacher: Stop! Never put 'is' after an "I". Always put 'am' after an "I". Student: Ok. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet. 

 A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

A : Why are all those people running?    B : They are running a race to get a cup.  A : Who will get the cup?  B : The person who wins. A : Then why are all the others running?

 Mother : "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"     Girl    : "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow? 

  A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl. 

 A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, wherever I touch, it hurts."  The doctor asks, "What do you mean?" The man says, "When I touch my shoulder, it really hurts. If I touch my knee - OUCH! When I touch my forehead, it really, really hurts." The doctor says, "I know what's wrong with you - you've broken your finger!"

  Bus conductor: Why are taking 2 tickets? John: Because if I lose 1 that 2 ticket will save me. Conductor: what if you lose both? John : Listen, I am not a fool. I already have my Pass with me.!!!

Father: Why did you get such a low score in that exam? Son: Absence! Father: You were absent on the day of the exam? Son: No but the boy who sits next to me was!

Max:- This Corona Changed My Entire Thinking About Good & Bad.  Alex:- How.?  Max:- Before Corona Virus I Used To Cough To Cover A Fart, Now I Fart To Cover A Cough. 

Husband And Wife Had A Fight.  Wife Called  Mom : He Fought With Me Again, I Am Coming To You. Mom : No Dear, He Must Pay For His Mistake, I Am Coming To Stay With U! 

Two old ladies were talking. "How is your grandson getting on? " asked one. "Fine, fine. You know he works in a theater? Only a week ago, he was the back legs of a horse. Now he's been promoted to the front legs."

  A man went to a shoe-shop to buy shoes. He put many pairs on his feet. Finally, he was satisfied. "At last," he said, "I have found a pair of shoes that fit me." "I am not surprised," replied the weary salesman, "They are your own shoes."

 What do electric cars and diarrhea have in common? - The idea, “I will make it home.”  Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/

  Harvey comes home late at night, drunk as a skunk. He staggers into the bedroom and wakes his sleeping wife, “Ellie, wake up! You’ll never believe this!” - “What happened?” Ellie replies sleepily. - “I just went to the bathroom and guess what, the light switched itself on, all by itself. And as I was going out, the light went off again, I didn’t have to do anything! Am I getting superpowers or what!” - Emily groans, “Come on, Harvey! You filthy animal, I bet you just went and peed in the fridge again!” Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/

 Father looks hard at a teenage son, “James, you’ve been adopted.” James jumps up, “Adopted! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!” Father laughs, “No no, James, we are your biological parents. But you need to get packing, your adoptive ones will be here in an hour.” Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/

 A doctor made a mistake and unknowingly prescribed his patient a powerful laxative instead of cough drops. - At the end of the week the patient comes back for a check-up. The doctor asks him: “So how’s it going, Mr. Kowalski? Do you still cough a lot?” - The patient, who’s been sitting there very rigidly, looks at him with wide eyes, “No. I’m afraid to.”  Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/

  An old lady always travels the same route on a bus. Over time, she became friendly with the driver and she’d always bring him a nice little bag of peanuts. The bus driver was enjoying the nuts at first, but after a few days he said to the lady, “Come on, Mrs. Bilker, it’s really nice of you, I’m loving the peanuts, but please stop bringing me so much, have some for yourself.” “Ah, no bother young man,” laughs the old lady, “I don’t have my teeth anymore, I couldn’t eat them even if I wanted to. But I’m crazy mad for the yummy chocolate they always come coated with!” Source (don't copy without it): https://short-funny.com/