Funny Jokes

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish." The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas. The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean. Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie. "I want them both back after l

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket." The friend says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?" The first guy says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them."

Nurse: “Doctor, the man you just treated collapsed on the front step. What should I do?” Doctor: “Turn him around so it looks like he was just arriving!”

Little Emma returned from the birthday party and her mother asked: “Did you say ‘thank you’?” “Well, no,” replied the little girl. “Y’see, the girl ahead of me thanked her and she said, ‘Don’t mention it!’ so I didn’t.”

Grandma and her little grandson were in the park picking up ripe walnuts on a beautiful fall day. “These are the kind of nuts your Daddy loves best,” she said. The little boy replied, “Maybe he likes these things best but the nuts I like are doughnuts!”

A doctor says to his patient, “I have a bad news and a worse news”. “Oh dear, what’s the bad news?” – asks the patient. The doctor replies, “You only have 24 hours to live.” “That’s terrible,” said the patient. “How can the news possibly be worse?” The doctor replies, “I’ve been trying to contact you since yesterday.”

It was the end of the school year and sam’s mother asked: “And were the exam questions difficult?” “They weren’t bad at all,” her son replied. “It was the answers that gave me all the trouble.”

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Teacher : whoever answers my next question, can go home. One boy throws his bag out the window Teacher : who just threw that?! Boy : Me! I’m going home now.

Three animals were having a drink in a cafe, when the owner asked for the money. "Im not paying," said the duck. "Ive only got one bill and Im not breaking it.""Ive spent my last buck," said the deer. "Then the duckll have to pay," said the skunk. "Getting here cost me my last scent."

Can I borrow that book of yours How To Become A Millionaire? Sure. Here you are. Thanks - but half the pages are missing. Whats the matter? Isnt half a million enough for you?

A couple was having a discussion about family finances. Finally the husband exploded, "If it werent for my money, the house wouldnt be here!" The wife replied, "My dear, if it werent for your money I wouldnt be here."

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldnt find one big enough for her family.She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"The stock boy replied, "No maam, theyre dead."

A family of three tomatoes were walking downtown one day when the little baby tomato started lagging behind. The big father tomato walks back to the baby tomato, stomps on her, squashing her into a red paste, and says, "Ketchup!"

One day an Englishman, an American, and a Canadian walked into a pub together. The proceeded to each buy a pint of Molson Canadian. Just as they were about to enjoy their beverage three flies landed in each of their pints. The Englishman pushed his beer away from him in disgust. The American fished the offending fly out of his beer and continued drinking it as if nothing had happened. The Canadian picked the fly out of his drink and started shaking it over the pint, yelling... "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!"

KID :- Why some of ur hair are white dad ? DAD : - Every time a son make his dad unhappy , one of his father's hair turns white ..... KID :- Now understand why grandpa's hairs are all white.

A guy wakes up one morning to find a gorilla in his tree. He looks in the phone book and sure enough finds an ad for “Gorilla Pest Control.” When he asks if they can remove the gorilla, the service guy asks, “Is it male or female?” “Male,” he replies. “Oh yeah, we can do that. I’ll be right there,” he states. An hour later, the service guy shows up with a stick, a Rottweiler, a shotgun, and a large pair of handcuffs. He then gives the man some instructions. “I’m going to climb this tree and poke the gorilla with the stick until he falls out of the tree. When he does, the trained Rotty will move in and savage the gorilla’s private parts. The gorilla will then cross his hands across his crotch to protect himself, and that’s when you move in with the handcuffs!” The man goes pale and asks, “Um, okay, but what do I do with the shotgun?” The service guy replies, “Hopefully nothing, but if I happen to fall out of the tree before the gorilla, you’ve got to shoot that

A small frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is gonna meet a young girl. The teller tells him, “Yes, you are.” The frog replies, “Where? In a bar or at a party?” The teller says, “In biology class!”

A duck walks into a store and asks the clerk, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says no. Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” and again the clerk says no. Five minutes later the duck comes back and asks, “Do you have any grapes?” The clerk says, “No, and if you ask again, I’ll nail your feet to the floor.” The duck comes back five minutes later and asks, “Do you have any nails?” The clerk says no. The duck says, “Good. Do you have any grapes?”

A man walked into a Doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked. “Shingles,”he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?” “Shingles,” he replied. She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the Doctor came in and asked,”What do you have?” “Shingles,” the man told him. The Doctor looked him up and down and said,”Where?” “Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?

A guy walks into a pet store wanting a parrot. The store clerk shows him two beautiful ones out on the floor. “This ones $5,000 and the other is $10,000.” the clerk said. “Wow! What does the $5,000 one do?” “This parrot can sing every aria Mozart ever wrote.” “And the other?” said the customer. “This one can sing Wagners entire Ring cycle. Theres another one inthe back room for $30,000.” “Holy moly! What does that one do?” “Nothing that I can tell, but the other two parrots call him Maestro.”

A French couple, an Italian couple, and a Polish couple go out to dinner. Thhe French husband says to his wife “Pass the honey, honey.” The Italian man says to his wife “Pass the sugar, sweety.” The polish guy, not quite understanding the situation, says to his wife “Pass the bacon you fat pig”.

A lady goes into a bar with her goose. Then the bartender comes up to her and says, “Why did you have to bring the pig in with you?” Then the lady answered, “Excuse me, I think this is a goose.” And the bartender says, “Excuse me, I was talking to the goose.”

A bear was chasing this bunny around a forest. They ran into a clearing and were running around a certain huge redwood where a genie lived. The genie got so tired of the racket that he finally came out and told the pair that he would grant them 3 wishes a piece if they would just leave him alone. The pair agreed. The bear said he would go first. “I wish…that all the bears in this forest were female.” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and asked for a helmet. The bear thought that strange but continued. “I wish…that all the bears in this country to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned again and wished for a motorcycle. He jumped on the bike, put on his helmet and started gunning it. The bear looked at the bunny and said, “You must be the stupidest bunny I ever met!” Then he asked for his last wish. “I wish…that all the bears in this world to be female!” The genie granted the wish. The bunny just grinned and said, “I wish the bear

A customer sent an order to a distributor for a large amount of goods totaling a great deal of money. The distributor noticed that the previous bill hadn’t been paid. The collections manager left a voice-mail for them saying, “We can’t ship your new order until you pay for the last one.” The next day the collections manager received a collect phone call, “Please cancel the order. We can’t wait that long.”

A little boy runs into his house and asks, “Mom, can little girs have babies?” The mom answers, “No, of course not.” The little boy runs outside, yelling, “It’s ok, we can play the game again!”

Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office. When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair.”

Baby Camel: Mum, why do we have such a huge hump? Mum Camel: They’re for storing fat in out in the desert. Baby Camel: Why do we have hooves, then? Mum Camel: So our feet don’t sink into the hot sand. Baby Camel: Why do we have these long, fluttery eyelashes? Mum Camel: To keep the sand out of our eyes in a sandstorm. A moment later… Baby Camel: Right. So why do we have all this stuff if we live in the London Zoo?

WIFE: “There’s trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor.” HUSBAND: “Water in the carburetor? That’s ridiculous.” WIFE: “I tell you the car has water in the carburetor!” HUSBAND: “You don’t even know what a carburetor is. I’ll check it out. Where’s the car?” WIFE: “In the pool.”

Laying in bed, a husband asks his wife, "Honey, if I died, would you remarry?" "After a considerable period of grieving, I guess I would. We all need companionship." "If I died and you remarried," the husband asks, "would he live in this house?" "We've spent a lot of money getting this house just the way we want it. I'm not going to get rid of my house. I guess he would." "If I died and you rema rried, and he lived in this house," the husband asks, "would he sleep in our bed?" "Well, the bed is brand new, and it cost us $2000. It's going to last a long time, so I guess he would have to." "What about playing golf, would you play golf with him?" "I love golf, so sure, I would play golf with him." "Would he use my golf clubs?" "Oh, no!" the wife replies. "He's left-handed!"

The queen of England was visiting one of Canada's top hospitals, and during her tour of the floors she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating. "Oh my god!", said the Queen, "That's disgraceful, what is the meaning of this???" The doctor leading the tour explains, "I'm sorry your ladyship, this man has a very serious condition where the testicles rapidly fill with semen. If he doesn' t do that five times a day, they would explode and he would most likely die instantly." "Oh, I am sorry" said the Queen. On the next floor they passed a room where a young nurse was giving a patient a blow job. "Oh my God", said the Queen, "What's happening in there?" The Doctor replied, "Same problem, better health plan."

Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language. He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his chop and starts masturbating. The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!". The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter systematically pasting "Love" stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them. The guy's curiosity gets the better of him and he walks up to the balding man and asks him what he is doing. The man says, "I'm sending out one thousand Valentine cards signed, 'Guess who?'" "But why?" asks the guy. The man replies, "I'm a divorce lawyer."

Phil, a smart and handsome young man, dressed in the latest fashion, walked into this local pub. He noticed a woman gazing at him without blinking her big eyes. Phil felt flattered so he walked up to the woman and said in his deepest voice, 'I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just £10 but on one condition.'  The woman appeared to be trapped in the moment and asked as if in a trance, 'What's your condition?' Phil answered, 'Tell me your wish in just three words.' There was a long pause, the woman opened her purse, counted out the money and handed it to the man along with her address.  She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, 'Clean my house.'

It was Valentine's day and Jim and Danielle's first date.  They sat in the darkened cinema waiting for the film to start.  The screen finally lit up with a flashy advertisement for the cinema's concession stand.  Jim and Danielle realised that there was no sound. The film began but the silence continued. Suddenly, out of the darkness, an irritated voice in the crowd loudly shouted', Okay, who's got the remote control?'

One morning Emma woke up with a start.  Her husband Jim asked what was the matter, she told him, "I just had a dream that you gave me a pearl necklace for Valentine's day. What do you think it means?" "You'll know tonight," Jim said. That evening, Jim home with a small package and gave it to his wife. Delighted, Emma opened it - only to find a book entitled "The meaning of dreams".

Roger, who was 18 years old, was buying an expensive bracelet, to surprise his girlfriend on Valentine's Day, at a very smart jeweller's shop in Hatton Garden, London. The jeweller inquired, 'Would you like your girlfriend's name engraved on it?' Roger thought for a moment, grinned, then answered, 'No, instead engrave "To my one and only love".' The jeweller smiled and said, 'Yes, sir; how very romantic of you.' Roger retorted with a glint in his eye, 'Not exactly romantic, but very practical. This way, if we break up, I can use it again.'

An elderly husband and wife visit their doctor when they begin forgetting little things. Their doctor tells them that many people find it useful to write themselves little notes. When they get home, the wife says, "Dear, will you please go to the kitchen and get me a dish of ice cream? And maybe write that down so you won't forget?" "Nonsense," says the husband, "I can remember a dish of ice cre am." "Well," says the wife, "I'd also like some strawberries and whipped cream on it." "My memory's not all that bad," says the husband. "No problem -- a dish of ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream. I don't need to write it down." He goes into the kitchen; his wife hears pots and pans banging around. The husband finally emerges from the kitchen and presents his wife with a plate of bacon and eggs. She looks at the plate and asks, "Hey, where's the toast I asked for

The man stopped; a big brick fell in front of him. The astonished man continued walking to the cross walk. The voice shouted, "Stop! If you take one more step, a car will run over you and you will die." The man stood still; a car came careening around the corner, barely missing him. "Where are you?" the man asked. "Who are you?" "I am your guardian angel," the voice answered. "Oh yeah?" the man asked. "Where the hell were you when I got married last week?"

A signboard outside a restaurant said: "Eat as much as you can and let your grandchildren pay the bill". A man entered the restaurant, ate as much as he can and when the waiter gave the bill he pointed to the signboard, "Don't you see, only my grandchild needs to pay for this bill". The waiter said, "Sir, this is not your bill. This is your grandfather's bill".

Wife: Look a thief has entered our kitchen and he is eating the cake I prepared. Funny Husband: Whom should I call now, Police or Ambulance...?

Teacher: If I give you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have? Johnny: Seven, Sir. Teacher: No, listen carefully. If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2 cats, how many will you have? Johnny: Seven. Teacher: Let me put it to you differently. If I give you 2apples, and another 2 apples and another 2 apples, how many will you have? Johnny: Six. Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2cats and another 2 cats, how many cats will you have? Johnny: Seven!!! Angry Teacher: Where did you get ur seven from? Johnny: (Angrily) Because I already have one cat in the House!

Wife: You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office Why? Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears. Wife: You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you? Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

Husband: Honey..... What are You Looking for؟ Wife : Nothing. Husband : Nothing...?? you have been reading our marriage certificate 4 an hour ?? Wife : I was just looking for the expire date.

Psychologists Secrete: 1) If A Person Laughs Too Much, Even At Stupid Things, He Is Lonely Deep Inside. 2) If A Person Sleeps A Lot, He Is Sad. 3) If A Person Speaks Less, But Speaks Fast, He Keeps Secrets. 4) If Some One Can't Cry, He Is Weak. 5) If Some One Eats In An Abnormal Manner, He Is Tensed. 6) If Some One Cries On Little Things, He Is Innocent & Soft-Hearted. 7) If Some One Becomes Angry Over Silly Or Petty (Small) Things, It Means He Needs Love...

Software Engineer, Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs and launches during system initialization, where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Smoking 10.3, Boozing 2.5 and Saturday Night Pubs 5.0 no longer run...Continue Reading...

A sweet old lady telephoned St. Jos's Hospital. She timidly asked, "Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?" The operator said, "I'll be glad to help, dear. What's the name and room number of the patient?" The old lady in her weak, tremulous voice said, "Norma Findlay, Room 111." The operator replied, "Let me put you on hold while I check with the nurse's station for that room." After a few minutes, the operator returned to the phone and said, "I have good news. Her nurse just told me that Norma is doing well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back normal, and her physician, Dr. Steve, has scheduled her to be discharged tomorrow." The old lady said, "Thank you. That's wonderful. I was so worried. God bless you for the good news." The operator replied, "You're more than welcome. Is Norma your daughter?" The old la

A doctor and a lawyer are talking at a party but their conversation is constantly interrupted by people asking the doctor for free medical advice. After an hour of this the doctor says to the lawyer, ‘What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?’ ‘I give it to them,’ replies the lawyer. ‘Then I charge them for it.’ The doctor is shocked. ‘Does that really work?’ ‘Certainly does,’ replies the lawyer. ‘And that’ll be £400 thank you.’

You Know you are Addicted to the Internet When... - You step out of your room and realize that your parents have moved, and you don't have a clue when it happened. - Your wife drapes a blond wig over your monitor to remind you of what she looks like. - All of your friends have an @ in their names. - Your dog has its own home page. - You can't call your mother... she doesn't have a modem. - You wake up at 3 a.m. to go to the bathroom and stop and check your e-mail on the way back to bed. - You buy a Captain Kirk chair with a built-in keyboard and mouse. - You get a new suit that says, "This best viewed with Netscape 4.01 or higher." - The last girl you asked out was only a jpeg. - Your wife says communication is important in a marriage... so you buy another computer and install a second phone line so the two of you can chat.

There is this good ol' barber in some city in US. One day a florist goes to him for a haircut. When he is about to pay the barber, the latter replies: 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The florist is happy and leaves the shop. The next morning when the barber goes to open his shop, there is a 'Thank You' card and a dozen roses waiting at his doorstep. This event is repeated till an Indian software engineer goes for a haircut. When he pays him, the barber tells him, 'I am sorry, I cannot accept money from you. I am doing community service.' The next morning, when the barber opens his shop, he finds a dozen Indians waiting for a free haircut.

A man was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will be your loving companion for an entire week." The man took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it, and returned it to his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for a year and do ANYTHING you want." Again the man took the frog out, smiled at it, and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a year and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The man said, "Look, I'm a Software Engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog is cool

A man sits alone on the couch with his soon-to-be mother-in-law and the family dog. The man is so nervous that his stomach begins to hurt and -- "Pfft!" -- he accidentally lets out a little gas. He's horrified until the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" And the man thinks, She thinks it's the dog! So he lets another one rip, and the mother-in-law yells, "Rocco!" again. Feeling confident now, the man lets out a really loud, big, fat, wet one -- "PFFFFFFT!" And she yells, "Rocco! Come here before that pervert shits on you, too!"

Girl Friend: My Heart Is Like A Mobile And You Are The SIM Card    Boy Friend: I am Very Happy Girl Friend: Don't Be Too Happy, If I Get A New Offer, I Will Change The SIM Card

Wife to Husband (on the Phone): "Hey baby, what you doing"  Husband: "Listen, I am really busy! Don't have time to talk at all."   Wife: "Well baby, I have a Good news and Bad news for you. You want to hear them?"   Husband: "Just tell me the Good news, I don't have time for the Bad!"   Wife: "Okay, Good news is the Air Bags of our New BMW work absolutely FINE!!!

A man went to a dress up party. He didn't have anything to wear so he grabbed a potato and taped it too his pants. One of the people at the party asked what he was. He said "I am a dictator"

Three men die in a car accident on Christmas Eve. They all find themselves at the Pearly Gates waiting to enter heaven. On entering they must present something relating to or associated with Christmas. The first man searches his pocket, and finds some mistletoe, so he is allowed in. The second man presents a cracker, so he is also allowed in. The third man pulls out a pair of stockings. Confused at this last gesture, St Peter asks, How do these represent Christmas? Answer: They are Carol's.

A man receives a phone call from his doctor. The doctor says, "I have some good news and some bad news." The man says, "OK, give me the good news first." The doctor says, "The good news is, you have 24 hours to live." The man replies, "Oh no! If that's the good news, then what's the bad news?" The doctor says, "The bad news is, I forgot to call you yesterday."

Why girls live longer than boys???? .. .. .. .. .. .. .. .. Scientific studies have proved that .. .. .. "SHOPPING" never causes HEART ATTACKS, but, . .. "PAYING the "BILLS" does

Scientists have proved that 2904583181 people on the earth are lazy,,, Because,, .. .. They did not even read this number.. :P ;-) :-x Thumbs up if you haven't read the number :P

Boy: Where Are You Going? Girl: For Suicide.. Boy: Then, Why So Much Make-Up? Girl: You Idiot..!! Tomorrow My Photo will Come In Newspaper....xD

According to a research 87% of young people have back pain. . . . . . . . . . The other 13% have no computer. :P

There was once a Scotsman and an Englishman who lived next door to each other. The Scotsman owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked outside and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Englishman's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Englishman pick up the egg. The Scotsman ran up to the Englishman and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Englishman disagreed because the egg was laid on his property. They argued for a while until finally the Scotsman said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I punch you in the nose and note how long it takes you to recover, then you punch me in the nose and note how long it takes for me to recover, whomever recovers quicker wins the egg." The Englishman agreed to this and so the Scotsman held the heaviest object he could find, took a few steps back, then ran toward the Engli

Two Tigers were resting under a tree.. Suddenly a RABBIT passed very fast Tiger could not make out & asked "What was that?" 2nd Tiger smiled and said: . . . . Fast Food..

An angry wife to her husband on phone. Wife: Where the hell are you? Husband: Honey, you remember that gold shop where you saw the diamond necklace & totally fell in love with it? Wife (relaxed): Yes, my king Husband: Remember I had no cash to buy it for you that day & I said I will buy it for you one day? Wife (totally relaxed with a smile & a blush):Yes I remember my love! Husband: Good, I am in a beer parlour next to that shop!

A Beggar Found Rs. 100/- . .. ... He Went To A 5 Star Hotel For Dinner... . .. ... Bill Rs. 3000/- . .. ... He was unable to pay!!! . Manager Handed Him To Police!!! . He Gave Rs. 100/- To Policeman & Free!!! . Its Called FINANCIAL MANAGEMENT Without MBA..!!!

BOSS to an employee.... . "Do you believe in life after Death?" . EMPLOYEE..... . "Certainly not! There's no proof of it", he replied. . . BOSS: "Well, there is now. After you left early yesterday to go to your uncle's funeral, he came here looking for you.

CEO in a small boat crossing to the other island, talks to a fisherman.    CEO: have you been to college   Fisherman: No, I have no money to go to college. CEO: you missed half of your life. Have you been around the world?   Fisherman: No, I can't afford that.   CEO: you missed another half of  your life. (A storm came & the water entered the boat).   Fisherman: Do you know how to swim? CEO: No!   Fisherman: Then you'll miss your WHOLE LIFE! -see? never ever under estimate anyone. . Stay humble & be a blessing

Boy:"hey, i love u, will you be my girlfriend?? . . . Grl:"hmmmm! Give me your number, when I broke up with my current boyfriend will miss call you...

I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the next toilet saying: 'Hi, how are you?' I'm not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don't know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, 'I am Doing' just fine!' And the other person says: 'So what are you up to?' What kind of question is that? At that point, I'm thinking this is too bizarre so I say: Uhhh, I'm like you, nature dictates!' At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can, but nature hadn't let go as yet, when I hear another question. 'Can I come over?' Gosh Whaaaat!, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I say ... 'No...... you know I am busy right now, I guess you are busy too!!!' Then I hear the person say nervously...... ...... 'Listen, I'll have to call you back. There's an idiot in the next toilet who k

Only two types of Communications are fastest in the world... . . . . . . . E-mail to email & Female to female...:-):-D

A lady calls the police to report her husband is missing. The police arrive and ask for a description. She tells them he's 6 foot 2 inches tall, blonde wavy hair and has a smile that makes everybody love him. The police then go to the next door neighbor to verify this report and the lady next door tells the police, "You can't believe her. He's 5 foot 4 inches tall, has no hair and he wears a perpetual frown on his face." The neighbor then goes and asks the lady why she gave the police such a false report. She replies, "Just because I reported him missing, doesn't mean I wanted him back!"

A new bride was a bit embarrassed to be known as a honeymooner. So when she and her husband pulled up to the hotel, she asked him if there was any way that they could make it appear that they had been married a long time. He responded, "Sure. You carry the suitcases!"

An old man in Florida calls up his son in Michigan and says, "Listen, your mother and I are getting divorced. Forty-five years of misery is enough." "Dad, what are you talking about?" the son screams. We can't stand the sight of each other any longer, he says. "I'm sick of her face, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in California and tell her," and he hangs up. Now, the son is worried. So he calls up his sister. She says, "Like hell they are getting divorced!" and calls her father immediately. "You are not getting divorced! Don't do another thing, the two of us are flying home tomorrow to talk about this. Until then, don't call a lawyer, don't file a paper, do you understand? and she hangs up. The old man turns to his wife and says "Okay, they are coming for Christmas and paying their own airfares."

A priest was invited to attend a house party. Naturally, he was properly dressed and wearing his Priest's Collar. A little boy kept staring at him the entire evening. Finally, the priest asked the little boy what he was staring at. The little boy pointed to the priest's neck. When the priest finally realized what the boy was pointing at, He asked the boy, "Do you know why I am wearing this?" The boy nodded his head yes, and replied, "It kills fleas and ticks for up to three months".

A couple of New Jersey hunters are out in the woods when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, his eyes are rolled back in his head. The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps to the operator: My friend is dead! What can I do? The operator, in a calm soothing voice says: Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead. There is a silence, then a shot is heard. The guy's voice comes back on the line. He says: OK, now what?

A typical little girl - cute, inquisitive, and bright as a new penny, was having difficulty in grasping the concept of marriage. So, her father decided to pull out his wedding photo album, thinking visual images would help. One page after another, he pointed out the bride arriving at the church, the entrance, the wedding ceremony, the recessional, the reception, etc. "Now do you understand?" he asked. "I think so," she said. "That was when mommy came to work for us?"

A husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things. Well, the doctor replied, go home and tonight stand about 20 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn't reply move about 5 feet closer and say it again. Keep doing this so that well get an idea about the severity of her deafness. Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 20 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, Honey, what's for dinner? He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, Honey, what's for dinner? She replies, For the fourth time, vegetable stew..."

Teacher: “Sam, Im Glad To See Your Writing Has Improved.” Sam: “Thank You” Teacher: “Now, Finally, I Can See How Bad Your Spellings Are!!!”

3 drunk guys entered a taxi. The taxi driver knew that they were drunk so he started the engine & turned it off again. He told them."We have reached ". The 1st guy gave him money. The 2nd guy said "thank you". The 3rd guy gave the driver a slap. The driver was shocked,thinking the 3rd drunk knew what he did. But he asked "what's that for?". The 3rd guy replied: "CONTROL YOUR SPEED NEXT TIME, you nearly killed us!" :P

A man was walking along the beach when he found a bottle. He looked around and didn t see anyone so he opened it. A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, "For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.." The man thought for a minute and said, "I have always wanted to go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I m afraid of flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii." The genie thought for a few minutes and said, "No, I don t think I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the pavement that would be needed. No, that is just too much to ask." The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, "There is one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be able to understand women.

Equation 1 Human = eat + sleep + work + enjoy Donkey = eat + sleep Therefore: Human = Donkey + Work + enjoy Therefore: Human-enjoy = Donkey + Work In other words, A Human that doesn’t know how to enjoy = Donkey that works. Equation 2 Man = eat + work + sleep + [.…] Woman = eat + sleep + gossip + produce Babies And so on … keep trying

Side effects of alcohol.... and remedies!!! 1. Symptom: Cold and humid feet. Cause- Glass is being held at incorrect angle (You are pouring the Drink on your feet). Cure: Maneuver glass until open end is facing upward... 2. Symptom: The wall facing you is full of lights. Cause : You're lying on the floor. Cure: Position your body at a 90-degree angle to the floor. 3. Symptom- The floor looks blurry. Cause : You're looking through an empty glass. Cure: Quickly refill your glass! 4. Symptom: The floor is moving. Cause : You're being dragged away. Cure: At least ask where they're taking you! 5. Symptom-You hear echoes every time someone speaks. Cause : You have your glass on your ear and trying to drink from it. Cure: Stop making a fool of yourself! 6. Symptom: Your dad and all your brothers are looking funny. Cause : You're in the wrong house. Cure -Ask if they can point you to your house. 7. Symptom: The room is shaking a lot, everyone is dressed in white and the mu

GODS are also I.T. Engineers BRAHMA System installer VISNU System supporter SHIV System Programmer NAARAD Data transfer YAM Deleter MENKA Virus!

Teacher Gave student Punishment To Write 5000 Times “I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class…” And Submit It Tomorrow…. Next Day, He Submitted The Paper Written #Include Void Main( ) { Clrscr( );Int N; For( N=1 ; N<=5000 ; N++ ) Printf(“I Will Not Throw Paper Airplanes In Class”); Getch( ); } Be A Programmer… Think Differently

Girl: Which computer do u have? Boy: I have a computer with intel core i7 processor at 3.3 ghz, windows 7, 64 bit, 8gb ram & nvidia gtx 560 graphics card. Boy: which computer do YOU have??? Girl: A PINK ONE !! What to say now.

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all." So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time, so, for you, how long is a thousand years?" God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes." The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you, how much is a million dollars?" God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents." The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me five cents please?" God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son. Just wait five minutes!"

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?" "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

A man walked into a therapist's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this." "What's the problem?" the docotor inquired. "Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away." "My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you." The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor. "It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the

Husband - Hai Dear,I Am Logged In. Wife - Would You Like To Have Some Snacks Husband - Hard Disk Full. Wife - Have You Brought The Saree. Husband - Bad Command Or File Name. Wife - But I Told You About It In Morning Husband - Erroneous Syntax, Abort, Retry, Cancel. Wife - Hae Bhagwan ! Forget It Where's Your Salary. Husband - File In Use, Read Only, Try After Some Time. Wife - Atleast Give Me Your Credit Card, I Can Do Some Shopping. Husband - Sharing Violation, Access Denied. Wife - I Made A Mistake In Marrying You. Husband - Data Type Mismatch. Wife - You Are Useless. Husband - By Default. Wife - Who Was There With You In The Car This Morning ? Husband - System Unstable Press Ctrl, Alt,Del To Reboot. Wife - What Is My Value In Your Life? Husband - Unknown Virus Detected. Wife - Do You Love Me Or Your Computer? Husband - Too Many Parameters. Wife - I Will Go To My Dads House. Husband - Program Performed Illegal Operation,It Will Close. Wife - I Will Leave You For Ever. Husband -

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed raging fire pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. "That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." "Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?" One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up. "Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?" "Wrong number," replied the girl.

A joke is something spoken, written, or done with humorous intention. Jokes may have many different forms, e.g., a single word or a gesture (considered in a particular context), a question-answer, or a whole short story . The word "joke" has a number of synonyms , including wisecrack , gag , prank , quip , jape and jest .(source: wiki)